TRO Vol 5: The Gift of Perseverance
Have you ever had a goal or dream that you felt so strongly about that you’d do anything to reach it? To say the least, it’s intoxicating. Your focus is only on the future and you are hyper-aware of what your actions in the present moment will do. This is something I’ve experienced a few times so far, but the (real) first is the most important because it’s the one that changed my life. If you’re a regular reader then you know a bit about my story, but for anyone just now coming across the blog, you should know that it’s worth the read (from my own completely biased opinion).
In my senior year of high school, I was set on the college I was going to attend and the major I would be choosing. Once graduation came and went, as did the summer, I was only looking forward to being on campus with the people I started to get to know months in advance that I knew were also attending my college. When I arrived and got settled, I was sad for a moment when realizing I was not just away from home, but a few states from home. It was scary, but I wasn’t alone. I had made as many memories as I could within two months of getting there, and by that point, I received my financial aid package and it was clear that I couldn’t afford to stay. The friends I got so close with also helped me to move my things out of my dorm once my family arrived to take me home, and a part of me broke when I saw them in the rearview window as we drove away. If it sounds like a movie, it’s just because my life tends to play out that way. On the way home, I felt many emotions, but in those emotions, I had a single thought (or goal) that would shape the next 2 years: “I’m coming back.”
The first few months of being back home, I experienced an all-time low in my emotions and I had to wrap my head around my current situation. My family wanted me to stay home, I didn’t have a job, and I wasn’t in school anymore. If you read the post before this then you’d know how the job search went and where I ended up for a while, but the point of this post now is to explain the sacrifices I made for that goal and why I did. I don’t think it matters where you look or what city you examine, but I found that people tend to settle where they are most comfortable. As much as I love my family and the friends I have known for years, I couldn’t help but notice just how easy it is to get comfortable and stay in the past. It’s safe to say that maybe that is not what everyone wants and people are happy where they are, but I found in the two months I was away that I learned so much more about myself and who I wanted to be every day. Once you realize that another version of you can exist, you don’t want to remain the same. When I was in a new space, I felt confident, independent, beautiful, and mainly because I was choosing who was around me, what I did, where I went, and how I showed up for myself. To me, leaving school was leaving that new version of me and I was just starting to get to know her.
I was determined about a few things: I would not get comfortable, I would not lose focus, and I would not give up on myself. I didn’t see my friends or (external household) family often because many conversations would trigger me in some regard. I didn’t go to many events or out to places because I wanted to save as much money as possible. I didn’t date people or attempt to do so seriously because feelings are deceptive and I didn’t want anything tying me to my hometown. I didn’t discuss my plans too much with anyone besides my grandparents because they were the most unbiased and supportive of my goal of leaving home. I would allow myself some time to feel what I felt if I was getting overwhelmed, but I didn’t remain in it long because giving up on the goal meant giving up on myself. It seemed ridiculous and extreme at the time that I did so much to make sure I could achieve what I wanted in the shortest amount of time, but not crossing these parameters that I set for myself was for a good reason. I didn’t need anyone doubting me, belittling me, or making me feel that the best (and only) option for me would be to stay where it was comfortable. I’m happy that I did those things to give that version of me a chance, and I’m grateful I didn’t give up on myself. It’s that version of me that got a chance who went on to do even more for herself and even now when I think about what is next for me, I’m making sure that above all else I give her a chance to exist. I don’t know what new sacrifices I will have to make or what parameters I will set, but I will do whatever it takes for my success and happiness by any means necessary.
”Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.“
James 1:12 (NIV)
Note from the Author:
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